Sorrow and death under a totalitarian state
On pain, fear, panic and the profound hopelessness and despair induced by dysfunctional coercive social control systems
What follows is an account from today's reality at the People's Republic of China, shared by Yutong Zhang, mathematician and researcher, political dissident and survivor of punitive psychiatry life-threatening practices1. Yutong briefly and bravely presented last month at the event on political abuses of psychiatry: ongoing cases Worldwide (edit: the account is not his, but of informants we will further interview). Yutong Zhang presented on 楊永信 Yang Yongxin, the consequences of Childless Hundred Days campaign of mass forced abortions and feminicide, 法輪功 Falun Gong, anti-religion campaigns, persecution of religious minorities, and other topics. Following a link to his short presentation and an account of suffering from one of his colleagues:
今天是2023年9月，从我和我太太离开中国，已经过去了接近一年半，而我们还在承受着中国共产党所带来的精神折磨。对于中国共产党的邪恶专制，只有经历过的人才能真正体会。
It’s September of 2023, more than one and a half years since my wife and I left China, yet we’re still suffering from the mental torture the Chinese Communist Party brought upon us. Only those who experienced it can truly understand the evilness of the communist party’s dictatorship.
我太太在中国的最后十几年，因为经常在网络上发表对于中国共产党以及中国历史的思考，虽然她已经尽可能地委婉和克制自己的表达，但最终还是受到了中国政府各个部门严密的监视和跟踪。多年来，被基层的居委会多次上门调查，他们打着关心的名义上门调查，有时候形式上还带着一些牛奶之类的小礼物，表面和善，但绝不对调查妥协，必须要求到公寓调查，上传定位，而整个小区却只有我太太一人被调查，另一个常常被调查的人，住在街对面的小区，有一天，那个人跳楼自杀了。
During the last decade or so when my wife and I were in China, because of the online posts on her thoughts on the communist party and the history of China, though in very indirect and restrained expressions, we were still heavily surveilled and tracked by numerous agencies of the communist party. In these years we have been harassed in our residence by local Residents' Committee for investigation in the names of care and concerns. They appeared good-natured, perhaps bringing gifts such as milk, but never compromised with their investigations. They demanded to conduct investigations in our apartment and upload locations, and my wife was the only one in the entire microarea to be treated like this. There was another person across the street also under investigation; one day, that person killed themself by jumping off a building.
在国内的家，位于北京附近的燕郊，疫情期间，我们在门口安装了摄像头，观察到越来越频繁的穿着不同制服或者似乎是社区工作人员的人，在门口观察。为了假装家里没有人，我们装上了两层的窗帘，其中一层是铝制的完全隔绝了光线，以致即使是白天，家里也是一片漆黑。不敢发出任何声响，只用电饭煲煮点米粥，并囤积了大量的米面，用真空包装，以防止长期不出门的生活需求。两室一厅的公寓，我住在客厅，时刻监听走廊的动静，我太太住在主卧，而另外一间卧室堆满了杂物，只是希望如果有人强行打开门，就让我太太躲到杂物堆里面。
Our home in China was located in the town of Yanjiao, just outside Beijing. During the covid pandemic, we installed surveillance cameras outside our front door. We observed more and more frequent personnel in different uniforms observing in front of our door. To make it look like there’s no one in the residence, we installed two sheeted curtains, one of which is made of aluminum, completely blocking natural light, and making our home dark even when there’s broad daylight outside. We dare not to make any sounds. For food, we can only cook some rice congee with an electric cooker, hoarding rice and wheat in large quantities with vacuum seals so that we can avoid leaving our homes and still fulfill our living needs. We had an apartment with two bedrooms and one living room. I lived in the living room so that I could hear if there was anyone outside, and my wife in the main bedroom, with another bedroom full of cluttered items, in the hope that she could hide in it if they decided to break into our home.
疫情期间，因为害怕中国政府借口防疫将我太太偷偷的被消失，我们一直躲在家里，不下楼接受任何核酸检测，一次疫苗都没有接种。随着门口监控的人员越来越频繁的光顾，我们觉得如果继续呆在国内，最后的结局是不可避免的被消失，而我太太常年处于恐惧当中的精神折磨，我们必须尽快离开中国。
During the pandemic, because of the fear that the government would “disappear” my wife with the excuse of anti-pandemic measures, we have been hiding, not getting PCR tests and vaccinations. While they came to our residence doors more and more frequently, we felt if we stayed in China, we would be taken away inevitably, and such fear has mentally tortured my wife for years; we must leave China as soon as possible.
每次坐公交车进入北京，都要经过检查站，所有人都要下车接受抽查，而我太太每次都会被严格查看各种证件，而往往当场还是还会接到社区居委会工作人员打来的电话，询问进京的目的，我太太总以拜访朋友为由搪塞过去，实则我们正在办理出国的签证。
Every time we enter Beijing via buses, we have to go through checkpoints, where everyone has to be inspected after disembarking the vehicle, and my wife in particular would be checked more rigorously, and often the residents’ committee personnel will also call to ask for the reason of us going to Beijing. My wife always used the excuse of visiting a friend, but in fact we were preparing our visas for leaving the country.
2022年，防疫政策造成了断断续续的封控，在一次封控后解封的第一天，我们离开了中国，为了能顺利出境，我们做了第一次核酸检测，因为只有拿着检测报告才能进入首都国际机场，为了降低风险，我们特意选择了一家私立医院，而不是小区的检测点做检测。在一连串幸运的巧合和忐忑下，我们顺利离开中国，飞往英国。
In 2022, the zero covid policy caused intermittent lockdowns. On the first day after such a lockdown, we left China. In order to exit the border smoothly, we had our first PCR test, as it was necessary to enter the Capital International Airport. To reduce risks, we particularly chose a private hospital instead of the mass testing site in our microarea. With a chain of luck and coincidence, we successfully left China for the UK.
我们的目的地是美国，那是我太太精神上的祖国，但我太太申请美国签证被拒绝，我们决定先到英国，再在英国申请美国签证。在英国的期间，我们总是躲在酒店、Airbnb里。伦敦、爱丁堡有中国的海外警察站，但当时英国政府却没有任何处理。我们便第一时间飞往苏格兰的格拉斯哥，之后又住到了北爱尔兰的郊区，后来在英国申请美国签证又失败了，不得已我们飞往墨西哥，经由美墨边界进入了美国。
Our destination was the US, the “spiritual homeland” of my wife. But since her visa was denied, we decided to go to the UK first and apply for a US visa there. While we were in the UK, we always stayed in the hotels and Airbnb rentals. It was known that China operates “extraterritorial police stations” in London and Edinburgh, yet at the time the British government hadn’t taken any action about it. We went to Glasgow in Scotland at the first possibility, and then the suburbs in Northern Ireland. Our attempt for the US visa in the UK failed again, so we were forced to go to Mexico, and then travel into the US via the land border.
进入美国后，中国共产党对我太太造成的精神伤害并没有因为到达自由世界而消除。我们住在远离华人的地方，我太太依旧紧闭窗帘，屋内一点光线也没有。第一时间，我们去宜家买了加厚的窗帘和各种隔音的材料，以防止被其他住户监听和被街上的人看到屋内的情况。门口、窗台上也都安上摄像头，任何动静和路上出现的陌生华人，都让我太太心惊胆战，并联想自己是否又被中共监控。
After we entered the US, we realized that the mental traumatization of my wife by the communist party did not alleviate much due to having arrived at the free world. We lived in a place far away from local Chinese communities, and my wife was still terrified of daylight, closing her curtains. We immediately brought thickened curtains and sound-proofing materials, so that it became more difficult for people outside to look or hear inside. We installed cameras on our residence doors and windows, yet still anytime a Chinese stranger walks by my wife gets terrified, worrying about surveillance.
前段时间，我太太发生了严重的被迫害妄想，家里厨房的下水管道堵塞，并发出异味，百年的老房子出现这样的问题是常有的，而我太太觉得有人要毒害她，想要换房子，但对于没有工作许可且我太太不会英语无法独立生活的情况，我是暂时无法工作的，随意换房子造成的经济损失对我而言又极其痛苦。那段艰难的时候，断断续续维修管道来了3波人，最后才修复完成，而每一次的维修，我太太都恐惧至极。
A while ago, my wife developed severe persecutory delusion: the kitchen sink was blocked and odor appeared—it’s usual for old houses to exhibit these problems—and my wife felt someone was trying to poison her, wishing to move, but since I didn’t have an employment authorization and my wife doesn’t speak English, not able to live independently, it was impossible for me to start working, and thus changing residence and moving would’ve caused us extreme difficulties. During those times, we hired three groups of technicians to repair the blockage before it was finally fixed, during each time of which my wife got deeply terrified.
期间，我太太还出现了认知问题，有那么一个月，她认为世界末日要来了，她觉得有人要来救她，总是在晚上10点到凌晨5点期间，要求我带她出去，在午夜的街头，她认为有人要和她接头，带她离开地球，前前后后折腾了一个月，最终她才认可了这一切只是她的幻觉。
In the meantime, my wife also developed cognitive problems: there was this month when she thought the world was coming to an end, and that someone was trying to save her; she asked me to take her outside between 10pm and 5am, thinking someone wants to meet her and take her away from this world. It took a month for her to finally realize that these were hallucinations.
我太太在国内的时候，因为害怕被中共强行关进精神病院，而中共也常常以这种方式让反对它的人消失，所以我太太考取过心理咨询师证书，以防止那种事情发生在她身上。我也一直认为是共产党长期的监控造成她的恐惧，但到了美国，我认识到，长期的被监控和恐惧，已经让我太太处于认知障碍当中。中间，我联系过美国的心理帮助机构，但后来还是放弃了，因为中共借由精神病的手段对人进行迫害，让我太太对心理治疗产生了严重的恐惧，她甚至认为，如果我让她接受心理治疗是在迫害她。
When my wife was in China, due to the fear of being incarcerated in a psychiatric hospital by the communist party—it’s standard practice of the communist party to silence dissidents—my wife attempted to acquire a certificate for psychotherapy, in an attempt to prevent such happening to her. I always thought it was the constant surveillance of the communist party causing my wife fear, but after arriving in the US I realized that such an inhumane environment has induced cognitive impairment. I also contacted mental health support organizations in the US, but eventually gave up the plan, as the communist party’s torturing practice via abuse of psychiatry has already caused my wife severe fear of psychiatric treatment such that she would believe I was persecuting her if I brought her such treatment.
而对于进行精神方面的治疗，我自己本身也是有过恐惧的，2020年年底，因为家庭内部的经济纠纷，我的家人以我反对共产党为借口，而勾结居委会、社区警察和精神病院，强行把我关进精神病院，而他们的证据竟然是我手写的有关共产党的笔记，在我做出财产妥协后，才被释放。那七天在精神病院的经历，让我对精神病院产生了巨大的恐惧，也对所谓的现代精神治疗产生了巨大的怀疑。
On the matter of psychiatric treatment, I myself had fear too: at the end of 2020, due to financial disputes in my family, my relatives conspired with the residents’ committee, communal police, and the psychiatric hospital to imprison me in the psychiatric hospital. Their “evidence” was even my handwritten notes about the communist party. After I compromised on the financial disputes, they finally released me. That seven days in the psychiatric hospital gave me extreme fear of them too, as well as profound skepticism of the so-called modern psychiatric treatment.
也许只有时间和陪伴能缓解，生活在专制高压监控中的恐惧，所造成的心理创伤。上个月，在我太太要求下，我和我太太互相交换了房间，她住到靠后院的那一间小房间，我住到靠街道的主卧，她已经开始接受了打开窗帘，并开始不再担心声音被别人听到，愿意正常的发出声响，甚至打开音响听音乐。但后来我发现，我高兴的太早，她变得躁狂，她愤怒，日日夜夜对着空气说话，甚至流着泪怒骂，说累了就躺着，醒了就说话，似乎要把这么多年没有敢放声说出来的话都要说出声。
Perhaps only time and company can alleviate these traumas and fears due to having lived under high-pressure autocratic surveillance. Last month, under my wife’s demands, we swapped rooms, so that she started living in a small room closer to our backyard, and me in the main bedroom closer to the streets. It has become possible for her to open the curtains, and stop worrying about making noise audible to others, making sounds normally, even turning on the radio for music. However, I realized later that I was too happy too early, as she became manic, raging, talking into the air day and night, even cursing and crying. She laid down when tired, and started talking after waking up. It seemed like she wanted to speak loudly all those things that she didn’t dare to speak aloud in so many years.
我不知道还需要多久，我太太才能恢复正常的心理状态，每一天都会很艰难，我想，只有时间能治愈一切。写这些，只是希望告诉你们，不是所有的反对集权专制的人，都有很强大的心理状态，比如我太太，她无法控制自己揭露中共的冲动，又无法承受中共威胁所带来的恐惧，长期折磨下，造成严重的心理创伤。而极权专制造成的心理创伤、精神折磨也并非到了自由世界就能治愈，那是个漫长、反复而艰难的过程。
I don’t know how long it will take for my wife’s mental suffering to stop, and I know it will be hard every day. But I think time will cure everything for us. These words are just to tell you, that it is not the case that every dissident against totalitarianism and autocracy has a strong mentality. Such as my wife, can’t control her urge to whistleblow about the communist party, but at the same time cannot handle the fear of their threats, so being under such torture for a long time has caused her profound mental traumatization, and such traumatization from autocracy, consequences of psychiatric torture cannot just be cured magically once we arrive in the free world—it’s going to be a long, self-repeating, and difficult process.